Reluctance
by HaxeOrdinary
Summary: I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t doom her to a life of fear.
1. Fate

Reluctance

Everything is right up to and including "Goodbye to all that" but AU from there.

I sadly own none of the original characters in the Terminator world. This is something that came to me that I had to explore and I started writing it before seeing the previews for "the tower is tall...". I'm anxious to find out what you think. I know Derek might be a bit out of character but to be told in first person, he has to think differently than what he probably does.

Fate

* * *

2027

"Tell me." I dropped my head back against the cinderblock wall and waited for a response.

It wasn't the first time I asked. I treated it like a bedtime story growing up, always wanting to hear about my future that was in her past, but she never would acquiesce to tell that one I wanted but another "more appropriate" tale. As I grew older and became a man, much sooner than was traditional for history but mandatory for the times we live in, it became a refuge for us both.

She loved telling stories. Anything to take our minds away from what was happening outside. We all treated her like a mom. Even the few times I'd been with her when John was around, he would take a moment now and then to hear a story if she promised it would be short which it never was.

"What?" She asked absentmindedly, leafing through a novel that she must have memorized by now. I could hear the smile in her one word and knew she knew what I meant.

We never had to look at each other anymore. Usually we were too busy watching each others' backs from machines to spend much time looking at each other. I played with a new fray that had developed in the material on my thigh. It should annoy me that I'd have to patch the already threadbare pants but it didn't and it gave me something to occupy my mind and make the conversation a little more light-hearted. "Tell me how I find the love of my life."

"No." Said simply. Like a knife cutting through water.

"Why not?"

"Because, there are some great mysteries of the world that should stay just that. There'll be a time and place. It'll happen."

I dropped my head back against the wall again and closed my eyes. "Gwen Johnson. Why couldn't it be original like 'HeyDerek Itsme'?"

The older woman chuckled and cupped my cheek. I wondered if it was as weird for her as it was for me. I loved her. Not like a mom, I have a mom. I loved her because she gave me hope, love, peace, in a world that was none of those. "You mustn't push destiny, Derek. It was meant to happen then, so it will have to happen again. So's fate."

I sighed. I wasn't going to sulk, grown men don't. But I was pretty ticked off. "You would think you'd want to tell a happy story as often as you could with us living in the sewer like rats." It was a button I rarely pushed but I was running short on time.

Tweaking my cheek she quipped, "Who said anything about it being a happy story?"

This had my full attention. I opened my eyes and darted my gaze to find her big, beautiful smile mocking me.

"Hardy har, Wenny."

We sat in silence then, she finishing her book while I festered with the few stray threads I'd worked free on my fatigues. It didn't matter, really. I'd never see them again any time soon.

When she closed the back cover of the book and tucked it away in one of her pockets, I turned the conversation in a much more somber direction. But I had to know.

"If given the chance, would you want him to find you again?"

She blinked, surprised. Nothing surprised her anymore so the fact that I caught her completely off-guard promised me a truthful answer.

"I've honestly never thought about that option before." She stated. That was a letdown. I wanted gut-wrenching truth. I wanted her to tell me to go kiss a triple-eight for stating the obvious. Wasn't it obvious? Wasn't I a horrible man for, knowing what I know, allowing myself to fall in love with her and dooming her to this life?

I thought that was all she was going to say but tears came to her eyes and she turned her focus from staring off to where he was across the room to gazing in my eyes. She continued in a whisper. "I wouldn't trade living through the apocalypse with him with living without him for anything." Her eyes roamed back to Rick and he looked up at her, offering a half grin before climbing to his feet to come to her side.

He kissed her on the temple and I found myself envious of what they had. What I would one day be doing. Rick—_Derek—_gave me a knowing smile. He'd already had this conversation but from my side of things. He knew what I was thinking and what I wanted to hear and he wasn't helping me at all.

"You're such a tool," I grumbled.

"Be nice to yourself," he responded with a stupid grin. All attempts to lighten the mood were failing. We all knew I was nervous. But they were doing a decent job of displacing my nerves to annoyance.

"Reese." The three of us turned to the called name. "Connor's calling for you."

I nodded once and looked at Rick and Wenny. "Here's to not having this conversation again," I offered, lifting my glass of cloudy water.

My older self smirked, holding his glass in a similar manner. "Just don't screw it up, kid."

Climbing to my feet, I nodded my goodbyes to the few people that knew of my mission and headed for the door. Rick was behind me and I couldn't help but turn to him. I had so many questions to ask him.

He smirked and looked back at his wife. "Yes, it's worth it."

"I just think it's so selfish. I'm going back to protect John. I shouldn't be thinking about women. Even Wenny—er, Gwen." I had to keep that straight. She'd be Gwen to me. Wenny was a different person. Why? Why would I do it? Why would he do it?

He returned his gaze to me. "I'd do it again in a heartbeat."

I narrowed my eyes. I hated having him in my head sometimes.

Rick smiled. "Think of what she became to me. Think of what she will do for you. And John. And soldier? Stop thinking so much." The last was said softly, reminding me of my father.

I chuckled. "Is that an order?"

Wenny finally came over. "Derek, there's something I want to tell you before you go. I'm sorry and you're instantly forgiven."

My brow wrinkled. "What does that mean?"

An impish smile crossed her lips. "You'll understand. Eat a cupcake for me—_that's_ an order!"

I leaned over and kissed her cheek, the first time I'd shown her any affection of the sort. But, in my mind it was very possible that fate was going to fight with me and that destiny just might not be in my corner.

X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X

don't forget to review! no flames, please.


	2. Life

Author's Note: I haven't seen the latest episode but it doesn't really matter, this is still AU. Whatever is recognizable is not mine.

* * *

It wasn't the first time I had lived through that memory since coming through time. It wouldn't be the last. It wasn't something I merely visited either. Every time I thought about it, I found myself completely engrossed in it again as if I was there living it for the first time. I can remember with perfect clarity the softness of her skin when I kissed her. The innocence and excitement rimmed in her eyes when she made that ridiculous order. I haven't eaten one yet. I wouldn't say I was being rebellious. More…I don't know.

I poured a heaping amount of Life cereal into a bowl and snacked on it while dousing it with milk. I'd run through most of the sugary cereals in my first few weeks and was now working through the more "healthy" choices. So far Life wasn't high on my list of favorites but it was all that was in the cabinet and I wanted to eat.

Walking into the dining room, I was thankful that no one else was there. No need for idle conversations, no questions to answer, no strategies to discuss. Just me and my Life. As the memories started back with Wenny and Rick, though, I almost wished for distractions.

Unfortunately, it came. I sensed the impending trouble before I could hear or see her. The hair on my neck always stands on end when a terminator is near. I caught her in the peripheral of my vision as she came into the room and sat across from me at the table.

She sat quietly for a few moments, her hands resting on the table like a human might do but it still looks awkward. I dared her to speak. But I knew it was coming, it was a dare I'd lose.

"You're eating cereal."

Sighing deeply through my nose, I riveted my eyes to the bowl. If I ignored her, would she go away?

"You're eating cereal."

"Yeah. So what of it?" I snapped.

"It's the middle of the day. Cereal is a breakfast food."

I chewed slowly. This was the kind of conversation I was hoping to avoid; one that constantly threw up in my face the fact of her less-than-human status. "When you survive off of more than motor oil, you can choose when to eat what fuel you want."

"Oh. Thank you for explaining," she said in that weird, innocent way of hers.

When she didn't move on, I finally looked up at her, instantly meeting her gaze since she was already staring at me. I continued eating even though I knew I was feeding her curiosity. She watched and I ate. We continued the game for a while; I wasn't going to back down first.

Finally, the metal spoke. "If I saw her, would you want to know?"

It was a sucker punch to the gut, worse than a bullet. I knew who she was talking about and it sent my heart to my throat. Without feeling, I uttered, "No."

Her head tipped to one side. "I don't understand."

"You wouldn't," I ground out.

"I should. I am programmed to—"

"Shut up," I ordered sternly. She did as ordered but I was far from satisfied. "Y'know, no amount of programming, of training, no amount of observation can teach a bucket of bolts and cogs about love."

She sat like death for awhile not moving except for the gears in her head. Periodically the program controlling her blinking would kick in and her eyelids would close and open but that was the only thing separating her from the furniture she sat on. I was actually proud enough to think I'd given the metal too much to compute when finally, she explained, "I am not a bucket of bolts and cogs and I do not use motor oil." I'd appreciate her dry humor if I didn't constantly want to put a bullet in her head. "My endoskeleton is comprised of coltan—"

"Go stick your tongue in a socket," I grumbled, standing up fast enough to knock my chair to the ground. Sternly, I stared her down and then went to the window. I wanted to shoot something.

"What's going on?" Sarah. The woman with the worst timing in the world.

"Derek was telling me why I do not understand love. Then he told me to stick my tongue in a socket which I do not understand."

I was watching Sarah's reflection in the window as she turned her gaze from the back of my head to the machine.

"Colorful dismissal," she said.

"Oh. Thank you for explaining," responded the terminator. She stood and left without another word.

Sarah, unfortunately, didn't follow. Instead she walked up behind me and my jaw tightened down. What could she possibly have to say to me that she felt she needed to say?

"Talking about love with Tin-Miss?"

"No."

She wouldn't be satisfied with that but that was all she was going to get.

"Derek," she began which I quickly reacted to.

"I'm heading out for a while. Don't wait up."

Grabbing a set of keys from the shelf, I was out the door before she uttered another word.

**-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-**

thanks for reading! Hope to have the next chapter up soon.


	3. Sustenance

Better late than never? ;-D

XxX

Sustenance

I don't know how long I had been walking but my cereal had long left my stomach and I felt hungry, a sensation I hated now that food was on every corner. I didn't want to eat, however. My thoughts were going a million different directions but they all seemed to crash back to the same thing. The same person.

I did everything in my power not to think about her but the harder I tried the harder it was. It killed me that the metal had seen her and that she knew it was her and that it wasn't me that had seen her first and that she had even been seen at all! I realized I wasn't being rational but I didn't care.

Turning the corner, I headed down a street I hardly recognized and mentally began to take apart a M24 SWS to keep my brain from rambling. But it wasn't long before my mind was back on her. Wenny's smiling face first filled my mind's eye and I tried to imagine what she would look like twenty years and a war younger.

Up ahead, I noticed a shop of some kind with bright blue and white striped awnings and wire tables and chairs set in groups out front. A thin brunette in a pale blue summer dress caught my eye as she stretched up on her bare toes, power drill in hand. The soft curls in her hair piled neatly against her head, she seemed completely out of place with the massive yellow power tool in her grasp yet completely at ease.

"Got that done yet, hun?"

"Just a tick!" She yelled back at the voice from the shop.

My ears instantly perked. Something was familiar. I took a few strides to the left, behind a medium-sized oak and caught her profile. She was pretty from what I could tell. Bangs, huge sunglasses that protected her eyes from the sun as much as the dust from the drilling, not really thin as I previous thought but muscular—there wasn't much else I could tell about her.

The drill ate through the last of the brick, launching her small body forward before she could compensate and it caused her to giggle softly. This girl wasn't like anyone else I'd ever seen but was so familiar.

A portly, balding man came out of the store just as she finished screwing the sign to the wall. He surveyed her work and patted her shoulder, a large smile parting his face. "Nice work, sweetheart."

"Thanks, Benny," she said, handing him the drill as she used his forearm for balance while slipping on her orange Converse sneakers. Once the shoes were on, I noticed she never quite put her heels down, standing on her toes like a ballerina might; her well-toned calf muscles were evident.

Taking her glasses off and resting them on her head, she said cheerily, "So can I go on my date now?"

"Sure, Gwenny. Have fun, kiddo."

She waved goodbye and turned, facing me for the first time.

I was shocked, to say the least. I didn't know if I should run to her or away from her but there she was, more beautiful than I ever realized. She was here and she was all mine and yet she was a million miles away. I had already had a hundred lifetimes with her, knew her likes and dislikes, what made her nose wrinkle with laughter and her eyes open with fear. I knew she loved warm socks and hated getting mail, and loved to hum songs that I'd never heard before.

And I knew I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't doom her to a life of fear.

But apparently, my body had a different desire.

I didn't realize it but my feet had taken me to her. She was so close in front of me, I could smell her shampoo. "Peaches," I breathed, instantly memorizing it.

She looked up quickly, sending another intoxicating wave of the scent to my nose. It almost knocked me over. "The name's Gwen, actually." She tried to hide it but her honey-hazel eyes gave her away; she was amused.

"I know we don't know each other but I want to know you. Everything about you."

The amusement was gone, instantly replaced with skepticism. She scoffed. "Nice line. It comes off a little intense, though. If you'll excuse me, I'm late for a date."

She turned to leave and impulsively I reached for her, grabbing her delicate wrist in my coarse grip. The next moment told me why Wenny had apologized. Abruptly, Gwen balled her little fist and connected it perfectly with my cheekbone; stars erupted in my eyes but I held tight to her wrist.

Rotating her hips again, she pulled back to hit me once more. Instinctively, I grabbed her other wrist and held her arms as far apart as I could. Her toned body pressed against mine and I could feel the rise and fall of her ribcage with each breath. She was angry now, breathing through gritted teeth with her full lower lip jutted out, sending her breath to her bangs; it made them fan out against her forehead. Her eyes narrowed slightly and her nostrils flared a bit. Her perfect little ears pulled back slightly and started to turn a rosy color as blood rushed to her head. I was mesmerized by every trivial detail about her. She was making me insane and I was loving her more and more for it.

I pulled her hands tight in between us, examining every line, every imperfection, the rings she wore, her fingernails that were showing a bit of white and well kept, the delicateness of her wrist bones and the band of leather she wore around her left wrist. She had a note written on the back of her hand in Sharpie but it was faded, barely visible and written over a previous note in blue.

Trying earnestly to break free, she finally growled in frustration and huffed, "Just _what_ are you doing?"

"Looking for your gold gloves," I quipped, taking her right hand which was turning red from hitting me and placed it to my lips. Finally, I risked looking in her eyes and enjoyed seeing the twinkle back.

She was still miffed but her resolve was weakening.

"I'm sorry for being so blunt," I whispered against her skin, her hand not fully hiding my smile.

Finally, her walls came crashing down and a smile claimed the right corner of her mouth. It was taking everything in my power to keep from kissing her. She stopped struggling as much against my hold and finally seemed to look at me for the first time.

"Go out with me," I murmured.

"How could you ask me that?"

"Because asking you to marry me might seem a bit forward."

Her forehead wrinkled with concern. I knew I sounded crazy; people didn't behave this way in this year but I didn't care. I reasoned that Rick had won her over by being, well, me, so I could do it, too.

Her voice was barely a whisper. "Who are you?"

"Derek Reese."

"Hmm. Well, Derek Reese, it's nice to meet you. But I have a date," she smiled, pirouetting out of my grasp and skipping a half dozen feet away.

"Meet me afterward then," I requested, following after her. I instantly hated myself for it. My mind and body warring with each other, one telling me what I should be doing and the other urging me forward.

Turning away from me, she shook her head, curls dancing around the back of her head, and walked away from me.

I couldn't let that happen.

"For…cupcakes."

Stopping, she dropped her hands to her hips and turned back to me. "Okay, fine, Mr. Reese. Meet me back here? At 10:00?"

I nodded, moving over to the wire chairs and sliding onto one.

"You're going to wait here? For five hours?" I nodded and her eyes narrowed but she couldn't keep the grin from her lips. She came over and sat in the chair in front of me and I couldn't help leaning toward her, resting my arms on the table to keep from reaching for her. "There's something different about you, Derek Reese. And I intend to find out what."

I grinned.


End file.
